Learning to Ignore Other People’s Opinions About Our Hair

At some point in the journey of growing my hair naturally, I realized that the battle was not always with my hair itself. Sometimes the battle was with how others thought about it. For many black women, deciding to wear our hair in its natural state is not simply a matter of selecting a hairstyle. It is a decision to allow ourselves to show up as who we are, even if others have an opinion about that.

Comments can come from anyone. Family members. Friends. Colleagues at work. Complete strangers. Some comments will be made directly. Some will be made indirectly. Some will masquerade themselves as concern. But whatever form those comments take, they can cause a woman to feel as if her hair is somehow fair game for public debate. That is why learning to dismiss other people's opinions about your hair can be one of the most empowering things you'll ever do.

What is the truth about people's opinions about our hair?

One of the most liberating ideas I've had while walking this path has been this. Who asks us what we think about their hairstyle? No one. Most people are not going to sit us down and ask if we approve of their color, cut, texture, or length. Therefore, why do so many people believe they have the right to share their thoughts with us regarding these same characteristics?

The fact of the matter is, they don't.  Your hair is not a public forum. It is not a subject for public debate. It is yours. And the moment you realize that, you will also begin to see how powerless other people's opinions really are.

 Why do comments about our hair feel so personal?

Hair is very personal, especially for black women. Hair is connected to our identity, beauty, self-confidence, and cultural heritage. When someone negatively comments on your natural hair, it can feel as though they are calling into question your beauty, your femininity, or your worth.

Therefore, offhand comments can hurt. A raised eyebrow. A backhanded compliment. A joke about your hair type. A suggestion that you would be more attractive if your hair was styled differently. All of these things may seem minor to the person making them, but they can carry significant weight.

However, just because someone makes a statement, it doesn’t mean you have to internalize it. You do not have to give their comments space in your mind. Simply because someone says something does not mean you have to carry it.

Stopping Caring is Liberating

There is a sense of liberation that comes when you stop caring so much about what other people think. Not in a rude or bitter way. In a peaceful way. In a grounded way. In a way that says, I do not require your approval to feel positively about myself.

This mindset is transformative. You will no longer over-analyze every comment. You will no longer adjust your behavior to ensure comfort for others. You will no longer shrink your self because another person does not understand your choice. You will start to appreciate your hair more because you are no longer viewing it through the lens of critics.

It is liberating to know that other people’s opinions are nothing more than that — opinions. They are not facts. They are not instruction. They are not your identity.

Some people are simply too idle

We should be honest here. If someone is overly critical of another person's hair (in a negative manner), then it is clear they are simply too busy doing nothing.

Someone who is fully engaged with their own life, growth, peace, and purpose typically does not spend a great deal of time worrying about what is sprouting out of someone else's scalp. Thus, when people are excessively interested in another person's natural hair, that says far more about them than it does about you.

To be frank, this is the truth. Individuals who constantly criticize, comment upon, or nitpick other people's hairstyles generally have their own problems with insecurity, control, or ignorance. There is no need for you to take their lack of understanding as a burden to bear.

 Give Yourself Permission to Move On

Not every comment requires a response. Not every opinion requires correction. At times, the most powerful action you can take is to quietly decline to care.

Grant yourself permission to wear your hair without apology. Grant yourself permission to love your hair texture. Grant yourself permission to cease explaining yourself to people who have already determined they will never understand.

If this message resonated with you, Before We Become Extinct: How Do I Get the Confidence to Wear My Natural Woolly Hair? offers gentle encouragement for the journey towards embracing natural hair with confidence, pride and self-acceptance.